Sorry this is a massive post,!

As two scottish, bespectacled twin brothers once sang
"When you go will you send back a letter from America?Take a look up the railtrack from Miami to Canada.
Lochaber no more, Sutherland no more, Lewis no more, Skye no more......"

(for those of you who arent familiar with the songs of the Proclaimers (Tidy, Alex I'm assumin, they are the joint Kings of Scotland and you really should download some of their greatest hits. Matt, again, thanks for the CD !)

For those of you who haven't been to this part of Florida, I should point out that the lyrics are suggesting that you look up the railtracks WHICH RUN from Miami to Canada, you cant see canada from Miami. canada is several Thousand miles away from Miami (refer to map of world)and looking along a railtrack, no matter how straight they are, nor however good their glasses may have been, they could not have seen Canada from Miami.

It was great to be back in Scotland and catch up with Mum, Dad, Kim and Nicky, and friends. Sorry if I didnt manage to see you but it was a bit hectic sometimes and there were only so many days, the main factor was that I have too many friends but thats the downside of being a minor celebrity.

Well I guess I'll make this a long post since its been a while and I’ve got the time. So, The first week in December was a bit hellish as I had a business plan, 3 exams, 3 presentations and 2 final project reports to do in 9 days. Managed to slog through with an allnighter and a couple of 2 hour sleep nights. the upside was I finished 5 days before most people and much relaxing was had, and general swanning around infront of swedish David who was still studying. They went to the library to cram like maniacs, i went to the library with them to watch Chopper on the DVD players upstairs.
By the 13th, everyone was done and there was much rejoicing and once again it was declaired holiday time once more at the holiday inn. (although pretty much everyday was a holiday at the Holiday Inn). A plethora of beer was bought and there was yet more rejoicing. We had a couple of good parties so everyone could say goodbyes. We were a bit gutted to have to say goodbye to Alex, Dave, D-Tiddy, Susie, Alana, Antoinette and others they were great people and its shit that they wont be here this semester. It was gonna be extortionate to change my flights by a couple of days so didnt get to join Alex and Swedish Dave as they canoed and camped the everglades.

So on the night of the night of the 15th we partied and parted. Sad to say goodbye to Alex an Dave, unable to say goodbye to Dave Tidy was in a room with an unknown little lady. Me and Alan walked back along US1 to our new room at Mahoney, a bit dejectedlty, knowing it'd be absolutely ages till we saw some people again. As we passed Denny’s, the place of many an after-party shove a greasy burger in yer face night, I almost broke down and greeted my eyes out.

We woke up about 5 hours later, slightly hungover and called a taxi to the airport. Alan was flying from Miami to London via Ontario. I however had a more intricate journey of Miami airport to Orlando in hire car, Orlando to Dublin stopping off in Shannon, then Dublin to Glasgow after 11 hour stopover.

When I picked up the hire car, the woman asked me if I wanted the collision damage. I thought I better this time just in case, seein as I was a bit tired. But back on the I95 I soon remembered how long and uneventful that road is. With cruise control on, at the straights you can pretty much sit back and relax with your hands and feet free. But I still wasnt gettin my moneys worth for my insurance fee. I felt like I should try and get someone to shunt me or maybe take my car off some sweet jumps.
I was drinkin loads of water since id drank a wee bit the night before, and was absolutely burstin for a piss. I couldn’t see a turn off for ages and it was starting to hurt! Turned off as soon as and tried to find a service station, for some reason it was all shops an stuff so I parked at the Home Depot which is like a B&Q. So I rush in, with that kind of not too fast that my bladder sloshes and explodes but almost that ridiculous lookin Olympic walkin style cause Im actually about to wet my pants. I get inside and ask the first worker I see if they have customer toilets. She looks at me for a second and then says “Em… are you wanting to buy.. like.. the just the toilet or the whole bathroom?”. I stand, about to explode like a 6ft water balloon of wee, taking a few seconds to work out what the fuck she’s talking about. Remembering that im standing in a warehouse surrounded by hardware, showrooms of kithen units and bathrooms it clicks. So I explain I wanna know where the customer restrooms are she goes “oh…. Right…well.. they’re situated right up the back of these rows” as slowly as only an American can. I just made it to the toilet and let out what I can only describe as the best pish ive ever had in my life.

At Orlando McCoy airport, I found out they charge $6.50 a gallon to refill the tank. So I drove straight back out to the nearest Chevron and filled it for $2.80 somethin. Orlando to Dublin was fine, but then disaster. Tried to sweetalk my way on an earlier flight to Glasgow but it wasn’t gonna happen. So I thought Id go into Dublin for like 8 hours, see the sights and come back. Realised I didnt have my Bank of Scotland debit an couldn’t put my luggage in left lugg on credit. Had about 5 euros and obviously you cant get cash back on a credit card so I couldn’t pay the 40 or so euros to leave my cases and get the bus into town. So, I spent the next 10 and a half hours lying on the seats, looking and feeling like an absolute jake. The only seats free were downstairs by the arrivals bit where it was fuckin baltic, so I sat, freezing, watching couples and families re-unite, smiles all round, a few hugs and laughs and out the revolving doors they went. This of course brought in a nice gust of icy winter air and then another flight would arrive and I sat like a total loser watching yet more happy homecomers. I hate Dublin.

Crimbo was great, saw Kim a lot and Nicky, spent time at home and did the usual 23rd night out. Watching Jones use the worst line on a hot girl in Tunnel was great: (after Id put in some ground work for him) She asked why he was shy to which he replies “Ive been living in Germany for the last year and I feel weird going up to girls here now” to which she then said something like “ah sprachen zie Deutsch!”… this was followed by a long and awful, awkward silence as he stood with a “bugger, I don’t know any german” look on his face. I ran away, and I think he looked around for a trapdoor or fire escape.
27th watched Jodi and her mum and brothers falling over on the dancefloor at her 21st, great night!
Kim’s wedding ceilidh was an amazing night. Dinner at Café Gandolfis with eejas colin laura and jodi, snow falling as we got to St. Andrews in the square. Carryouts in our jackets… ah you can take the boys out of Johnstone, but you cant take the Johnstone out of the boys. By the end of the night everyone was swingin each other about to the band and then on to a club for more drunken kilt action. The bad end to the night came when I had to share a bed with Eejas. With my round Ikea cushion as a cock blocker between us I nodded off, only to be rudely awoken because he snores like a bastard. I turn over and his neck is tilted right back in my face and his big stupid nostrils waggling. I push his face away and he stops…momentarily

Anyhow, New years was in Edinburgh, that seems to be where the clock turns twelve most years, Toms mate suddy had tickets so me Jones, Matt and Eejas went through and danced about Princes street, watched the fireworks over the castle, beautiful, talked crap to random people from around the world. I met some French dudes and told one of them in french that I like to travel by giraffe because its faster. He laughed and then said something back I didn’t quite catch, I think it was something like “wow I can tell you have studied French beyond high school and use your skills constructively”

And so , now I am back in Miami, got in late Tuesday (10th) night. We went fishing off the key Biscayne causeway and I caught quite a few wee fishees. We threw them back though. Although most of the time we took so long to get the hooks out their mouths, and did it so badly, when we plopped them back in the water they either sank or got eaten by this big pelican that was hangin about us.

The weather here is about 20 degs durin the day, quite sunny, and about 10 degs at night. Anyhow this is stupidly long so im gonna go

Hope you guys are all good!

CSI: Miami

Clatty Sams In Miami